{"id":2737,"date":"2024-04-18T12:44:26","date_gmt":"2024-04-18T12:44:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sophiehannah.com\/?p=2737"},"modified":"2024-04-23T11:08:57","modified_gmt":"2024-04-23T11:08:57","slug":"the-generalists-and-the-twelfth-of-never","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sophiehannah.com\/the-generalists-and-the-twelfth-of-never\/","title":{"rendered":"The Generalists and the Twelfth of Never"},"content":{"rendered":"\n[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0px|||” custom_css_main_element=”background: #85ddd4; \/* For browsers that do not support gradients *\/|| background: -webkit-linear-gradient(#85ddd4, #ffe6bf); \/* For Safari 5.1 to 6.0 *\/|| background: -o-linear-gradient(#85ddd4, #ffe6bf); \/* For Opera 11.1 to 12.0 *\/|| background: -moz-linear-gradient(#85ddd4, #ffe6bf); \/* For Firefox 3.6 to 15 *\/|| background: linear-gradient(#85ddd4, #ffe6bf); \/* Standard syntax *\/|| ” transparent_background=”off” make_fullwidth=”off” use_custom_width=”off” width_unit=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”3_4,1_4″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”2″ admin_label=”Row” _builder_version=”4.24.3″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”85%” custom_margin=”||0px|” custom_padding=”||0px|” make_fullwidth=”off” use_custom_width=”on” width_unit=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_post_title meta=”off” admin_label=”Post Title” _builder_version=”4.24.3″ title_font=”|||on|” title_font_size=”50px” custom_margin=”||20px|” custom_margin_tablet=”||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” title_font_size_tablet=”42px” title_font_size_phone=”36px” title_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” parallax_effect=”off” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.24.3″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font_size=”40px” custom_padding=”20px||||false|false” hover_enabled=”0″ header_2_font_size_tablet=”40px” header_2_font_size_phone=”35px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]
\n

The Generalists and the Twelfth of Never
<\/b>a Christmas mystery story<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

\n

\u2018The most I could pay you is twenty pounds.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>The child who had uttered these words looked around ten years old. She wore a jumper featuring a Welsh Terrier in a Christmas hat. \u2018Funny coincidence,\u2019 was my thought at the time. My brother George and I have a Welshie; George had taken him out for his morning walk five minutes before this girl knocked on our door.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Her name was Lauryn Redgate. She turned out to be thirteen. She took three mince pies from the plate I offered her; her manner suggested no one was going to stop her, though no one had tried. She had made an appointment in the proper way and arrived on time; to some, this dual achievement might sound insignificant, yet it is a hurdle that fells more than half of George\u2019s and my adult clients. I was rather sorry that I was about to have to inform this child that we weren\u2019t able to take on under-eighteens as clients.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018I know twenty pounds is almost nothing, but\u2026well, this involves the attempted murder of a family member,\u2019 the girl said solemnly. \u2018Of mine and of yours, Mr Danes.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018We have a relative in common?\u2019 I resisted the urge to offer my sympathies. George and I earned the strident disapproval of most of our family when we\u2019d decided to set up as \u2018The Generalists\u2019 instead of going to university. They hated our description of our offering even more: \u2018Do you have a problem too outlandish or complex for any normal category of professional? Then you need The Generalists! No challenge too big, small, embarrassing or weird.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>It is, of course, understandable to worry if one\u2019s nearest and dearest choose an unconventional and untested path in life; less so, I would argue, once they are bringing in multiple six figures a year as the only operators in a ravenous market, the existence of which is denied by most. The Daneses are as stubborn as they are evidence-resistant, however.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018I <\/i>think we have a relative in common,\u2019 said Lauryn, \u2018though I\u2019m not sure if you\u2019d classify a dog as a family member.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Of course.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018You have a Welsh Terrier, don\u2019t you? Lannanta Man On The Moon?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018What?\u2019 Those words sounded familiar. \u2018Oh, right. Yes, that\u2019s his Kennel Club name. Ridiculous mouthful! We call him Reezo, short for Reasonable Doubt.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>Lauryn looked puzzled.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018It\u2019s the most vital of legal principles,\u2019 I explained.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Well, there\u2019s no doubt in this case,\u2019 she said. \u2018There\u2019s concrete proof. We\u2019ve got a Welsh Terrier too \u2014 Wags. His Kennel Club name is Lannanta Rumble In The Jungle. He\u2019s the grand-nephew of your Reezo, whose litter brother was Wags\u2019s granddad: Lannanta Flat As A Pancake.\u2019 She smiled, then looked suddenly sad. \u2018There was another brother too \u2014Lannanta Epiphany. He was our last dog, before Wags. To us, he was Bobble.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Good name,\u2019 said George. He and Reezo had returned from their walk.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018My aunt Frannie killed him, and now she\u2019s trying to murder Wags too,\u2019\u00a0 <\/span>said matter-of-factly.<\/p>\n

<\/span>George and I exchanged a look of surprise.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018I\u2019m not sure I can save Wags\u2019 life without your help. Frannie is coming to stay with us for Christmas \u2014 she always does. Mum and Dad refuse to uninvite her. According to them, even she wouldn\u2019t go as far as killing a dog\u2014\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Even <\/i>she?\u2019 I said.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Lauryn nodded. \u2018They agree she can be bitchy \u2014 deliberately making digs she hopes will upset people. You know?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>I knew the type only too well.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018But they don\u2019t think she\u2019d kill a living creature. They keep saying there must be another explanation for what I saw.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>I swallowed a chunk of mince pie, then said, \u2018You\u2019d better start at the beginning.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>She proved to be an efficient storyteller. Four years ago, Bobble, their six-year-old Welshie, escaped from the Redgates\u2019 home onto the road, where he was hit by a car and killed. Two years later, Wags joined the Redgate family, and the next Christmas when she came to stay, Aunt Frannie, according to Lauryn, tried to poison Wags\u2019s food:<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018She didn\u2019t realise I\u2019d be up early. It\u2019s been a family tradition since forever: we all stay up extra-late on Christmas Day, and Boxing Day is Big Lie-In Day. I woke up stupidly early. When I went down to the kitchen, Frannie was hunched over Wags\u2019s food bowl, whispering, \u201cBreakfast time!\u201d. His food was on the counter \u2014 she hadn\u2019t opened the carton yet \u2014 and she quickly stuffed something into her dressing gown pocket. I just knew she\u2019d been about to give him something poisonous. I\u2019m certain I know what, too: insulin. She\u2019s diabetic. Enough insulin in a dog\u2019s food would kill him, wouldn\u2019t it?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Undoubtedly,\u2019 I said.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018When I saw her shove whatever it was in her pocket, all my suspicions from when Bobble died came rushing back. I\u2019d always secretly been convinced she\u2019d left the doors open deliberately so that Bobble would escape and get run over, but I hadn\u2019t said anything to Mum and Dad. I couldn\u2019t prove it, and I knew what they\u2019d say: \u2018Impossible, no way.\u2019 And it should<\/i> be impossible. It should be unthinkable that she\u2019d do that to anyone, but especially to family. Frannie is not only my aunt, she\u2019s also the breeder.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018What do you mean?\u2019 I asked.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Lannanta Welsh Terriers \u2014 that\u2019s Frannie. She\u2019s bred dogs most of her adult life. She gave us both of ours, as presents. Then she killed Bobble and she\u2019s now determined to kill Wags, even though they\u2019re her sister\u2019s family\u2019s pets and the children of her own pet Welshies. It\u2019s\u2026dog infanticide.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018What makes you so sure Frannie killed Bobble?\u2019 George asked.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018<\/i>Her face. <\/i>We were taking down the Christmas tree and decorations and packing them away, so we were all in the lounge together when we heard the shouting on the road,\u2019 Lauryn said. \u2018I was sitting opposite Frannie. When we realised Bobble had been hit by a car, I saw her expression. There was no shock or horror. Her eyes narrowed, and she looked\u2026satisfied. She didn\u2019t know I\u2019d seen it, and no one else was looking at her. Obviously that\u2019s not proof.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018It\u2019s not,\u2019 I agreed. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018I didn\u2019t have proof of the insulin incident with Wags, either. Also, no one listens to you when you\u2019re under ten.\u2019 Lauryn sighed. \u2018Anyway, last year I got the proof I needed, thanks to another family tradition. We always get a post-Christmas Indian takeaway, so that no one has to cook after the massive Christmas cooking rigmarole. Last year I was at a friend\u2019s that afternoon \u2014 it was her birthday, I\u2019d nipped round to give her her present. I was walking back to ours and I saw Frannie open the front door and sort of\u2026 hold it back to keep it in place, as wide open as possible. She didn\u2019<\/span>t see me outside, watching. And she did the same with the other door \u2014 we have an inner front door that\u2019s mainly glass, and I saw Frannie position it so that it was standing wide open too. Then the took her handbag from a coat peg and headed back towards the kitchen. Why would she do any of that?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>I could think of no innocent reason.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018She didn\u2019<\/span>t step one foot outside,\u2019 Lauryn went on. \u2018It makes no sense unless she was hoping Wags would escape and get hit by a car, like Bobble.\u2019<\/span> Lauryn blinked back tears. \u2018Luckily I was there, so I ran inside and closed both doors. Mum said later that Frannie had insisted she\u2019d get the curry that year, on her Deliveroo. She was all: \u201cLet me just go and get my phone from my bag in the car\u201d. But she didn\u2019t leave the house, and her bag was hanging up in our hall. Nobody knowingly leaves their phone and handbag in their car! She needed an excuse to open the doors so she could \u201cforget\u201d\u2019 \u2014 Lauryn made quote marks in the air \u2014 \u2018to shut them. So that Wags would espcape and get squashed by a car.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>I was inclined to believe Lauryn\u2019s suspicions were justified. \u2018Trouble is, one cannot prove intent.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018That\u2019s what Mum and Dad say.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Aunt Frannie could always say she\u2019d thought her bag was in the car even though it wasn\u2019t,\u2019 said George. \u2018She opened the door, then spotted the bag hanging up in the hall. That\u2019s why she didn\u2019t set foot outside.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Opening a door is different from carefully positioning it so it stays fully open,\u2019 said Lauryn.<\/p>\n

<\/span>I was about to offer to babysit Wags for the duration of the evil aunt\u2019s visit when George asked Lauryn, \u2018On what date does your family take down its Christmas decorations?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>I laughed. \u2018How on earth is that relevant, George?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u20186 January,\u2019 said Lauryn. \u2018Mum always moans about them being up so long, but Dad won\u2019t give in \u2014 he witters on about proper Christian traditions.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018And your friend\u2019s birthday,\u2019 said George. \u2018You said it was on Post-Christmas curry day? That\u2019s 26 December, yes?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>Lauryn nodded.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Wait.\u2019 I saw what George was driving at. \u2018So Frannie has tried twice to kill Wags \u2014 the Insulin, and the open doors \u2014 and both times, it was Boxing Day?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Yup.\u2019 George looked smug. \u2018One more question, Lauryn: was it Frannie who dreamed up the Kennel Club names for Wags and Bobble?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Mm-hm. The breeder always chooses the official names.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018And Wags\u2019s is Rumble in the Jungle?\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Yes.\u2019\u00a0 <\/span>looked puzzled.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Blimey,\u2019 I said. \u2018The Rumble in the Jungle was a famous boxing match. Boxing match\u2026Boxing Day.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018And Bobble\u2019s Kennel Club name was Lannanta Epiphany,\u2019 George said. \u2018Epiphany is 6 January. The day Bobble died.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018I can\u2019t believe this,\u2019 Lauryn whispered. \u2018She\u2019s more evil than I thought.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>George turned to me. \u2018Aunt Frannie appears to be naming the dogs she gives Lauryn\u2019s family after the days on which she plans to try and kill them.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Mum and Dad will still say we don\u2019t have proof.\u2019 Lauryn\u2019s voice shook.<\/p>\n

<\/span>\u2018Then I shall point out to them that no one is trying to confine Evil Aunt Frannie to a dungeon for the rest of her life \u2014 you simply want them to uninvite her, so perhaps less stringent standards of evidence might be applied. Let\u2019s talk to them.\u2019<\/p>\n

\n

*****<\/p>\n

\n

Sadly, Dr and Mrs Redgate stood their ground, insisting that \u2018even Frannie\u2019 was incapable of such wickedness. They did, however, for Lauryn\u2019s sake, concede that Wags could spend the Christmas holidays with us. They don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve invited Frannie to Boxing Day lunch \u2014 a chance to catch up with Reezo, former Lannanta pup. (\u2018Wags will be there too,\u2019 I added casually.)\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/span>We shall have state-of-the-art surveillance equipment installed in our kitchen beforehand. In an open box on a high shelf, there will be a decent quantity of a harmless substance (probably Bella and Duke\u2019s Magic Sprinkles \u2014 Tantalising Chicken flavour) that I shall tell Frannie is some sort of highly toxic dishwasher cleaner, hence the importance of keeping it out of the dogs\u2019 reach. I shall be recorded on camera saying this, and next in our little film we will perhaps see a middle-aged woman dropping flakes from that box into Wags\u2019s food bowl (I have ordered one with his name on it specially for the occasion).<\/p>\n

<\/span>Naturally, even if this ruse succeeds, Dr and Mrs Redgate will protest Frannie\u2019s innocence. No amount of proof can induce a person to acknowledge a truth they are unwilling to believe. I suspect they shall simply ensure Wags\u2019s safety by sending him to us whenever Aunt Frannie visits in future.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Meanwhile, one can always change a dog\u2019s Kennel Club name and \u2014 again, purely to please Lauryn, her mum assured me \u2014 Wags\u2019s official name will soon be Lannanta The Twelfth of Never. I am looking forward to telling Aunt Frannie this happy news myself, just as soon as the relevant paperwork has been processed.<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Sophie\u2019s first feature film \u2014 The Mystery of Mr. E<\/i>, a murder mystery musical \u2014 is streaming now on Amazon Prime <\/b>https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/dp\/B0CKBC6L1X<\/span><\/a>\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>and AppleTV+ <\/b>https:\/\/tv.apple.com\/gb\/movie\/the-mystery-of-mr-e\/umc.cmc.5i1ffabm98zvpxh9nc3evadrm<\/span><\/a>, starring the detective duo of twin brothers John and George Danes (aka \u2018The Generalists\u2019). <\/b><\/p>\n

<\/b><\/p>\n

This story was first published in Country Life magazine, December 2023.<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”rgba(255,255,255,0.5)” custom_padding=”40px|3%|3%|3%” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|0px|0px|0px” custom_padding_phone=”0px|0px|0px|0px” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_css_main_element=”margin-top: 60px;” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_sidebar area=”sidebar-1″ show_border=”off” disabled_on=”on|on|” admin_label=”Sidebar” _builder_version=”4.16″ header_font=”|on||on|” header_font_size=”32″ header_line_height=”2.5em” body_font=”|on|||” body_text_color=”#000000″ body_font_size=”24″ body_line_height=”1em” remove_border=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_sidebar][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”3_4,1_4″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”2″ admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.24.3″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”95%” max_width=”100%” custom_margin=”0px|||” custom_padding=”0px|||” make_fullwidth=”off” use_custom_width=”off” width_unit=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.24.3″ background_color=”RGBA(255,255,255,0)” custom_padding=”40px|7%|7%|7%” custom_padding_tablet=”5%|7%|7%|7%” custom_padding_phone=”5%|7%|7%|7%” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”rgba(255,255,255,0.5)” custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|7%|3%|7%” custom_padding_phone=”0px|7%|3%|7%” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_sidebar area=”sidebar-1″ show_border=”off” disabled_on=”||on” admin_label=”Sidebar” _builder_version=”4.16″ header_font=”|on||on|” header_font_size=”32″ header_line_height=”2.5em” body_font=”|on|||” body_text_color=”#000000″ body_font_size=”24″ body_line_height=”1em” remove_border=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_sidebar][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]\n<\/span>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Published in Country Life magazine’s special Christmas edition (December 2023), this is the first published outing for the detective duo from Sophie’s murder mystery musical movie, The Mystery of Mr. E. Meet John and George Danes, twin brothers and ‘Generalists’, as they solve a puzzling case involving Welsh Terriers…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2749,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"2880","footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-short-stories-by-sophie"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Generalists and the Twelfth of Never - Sophie Hannah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Published in Country Life magazine's special Christmas edition (December 2023), this is the first published outing for the detective duo from Sophie's murder mystery musical movie, The Mystery of Mr. E. 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